waiting twice

waiting twice i realize
my mistake
waiting

thinking always about the time
when she would go about her time
and i would go about mine

wondering if it was worse
in the same way it was for me
like an ephemeral moment in space

searching searching never researching
always rehearsing, that was i
waiting until i met a face

the mind behind lingers not
always rushing ahead
sometimes never stopping to pause

is it mine is it yours
i would prefer it were ours
but sometimes i should think before speaking

reading learning never knowing
if i have ever learned enough
to please what i need and make myself happy

she doesn't realize it
i was happy then, but stupid
now i am smart and happier
but it may never come to that

twice waiting twice pacing
realizing the folly
wishing everyone could.

psychotic paranoia takes over neurotic
and turns like a dog on itself

forcing others to think of another
and not send them headlong to hell.

reflecting on the drug reflecting on nothing
realizing that the perfection is too much.
never needing more always feeding more
like a goldfish bloated from bread

twice i will wait thrice if i must
exposing myself to the wind
open for chastising, waiting for something to end
though wishing it never does

i can be happier than you can imagine
i can be friendlier than you can dream
you can understand if you try to listen
i can understand if i try not to speak